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[25 Oct 2007|10:42am] |
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Please me remove this journal from your friends lists! I'm keeping it exclusively for a_b
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| OT: stress+prepare+relax for a big test? |
[04 Oct 2007|10:01am] |
The irony doesn't escape me: I'm a testprep teacher, and a seasoned veteran of MANY years of standardized testing.
And I'm completely falling apart for my test on Saturday (Lit GRE's--one of the subject tests for graduate school).
I have studied...endlessly (anywhere between 20 and 60 hour a week) for the past 6 months for this test. I have literally thousands of pages of typed notes, and shoeboxes full of notecards jam-packed with tiny writing. I know most of the material...but simply put, it is impossible to learn ALL of western literature in 6 months.
I'm having a very hard time accepting the fact that I do not know everything...and that it will still be ok.
(the problem with being a teacher/tutor is that I know the "usual tricks" that works well for my panicking students...but unfortunately, I'm also rather immune to them).
I know that I NEED to relax: in the last few rounds of practice, I'm missing the "easy" questions that I should be able to nail in my sleep, which tells me that stress, rather than lack of preparation is the problem here.
How do you handle a big test? not the end-of-the-semester exams, but one of those make-it-or-break-it tests (MCAT, LSAT's, Bar exam, etc).
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| Moving again...maybe. (double-posted) |
[22 Aug 2007|12:37pm] |
It's basically the perfect storm of factors:
1. My parents purchased a new home in Waconda, IL, near Dad's new work. Since we're no longer in-the-middle-of-nowhere, the mortgage is now twice what that of the house in Champaign. At the same time, my mom will be leaving behind her part-time job. All of this adds up to...my parents definitely can't help me out financially.
2. I took a practice LIT GRE. 600. I will not get into the graduate schools with that score. I NEED at least a 650 to get my foot in the door...preferably a 700 if I want to be competitive. Half of the reason for this score is simply that I need to review grammar (which is incredibly hard...ever tried to find the main verb of a poem with 15 verbs?)...and I need to read on the Americans (I missed virtually all of those points). But even with a better grasp of grammar, and assuming I know my way around my countrymen....I'm still scoring under 650.
*sighs* I need to pour a lot more time into this. I can't do that while working full-time. Unfortunately, I can't pay my rent without working full-time. While Kaplan is willing to offer me a full-time job...I CAN'T take it prior to my GRE's (November 4th), and to some degree, I don't WANT to work those crazy hours even after I finish that test.
Basically, I can't live in San Jose--with the insane cost of living--without working full-time...and I can't work full-time and still have enough brain cells left to prepare for this test as I should.
This test has to be a priority...especially with my borderline verbal score. If I fuck up this test, the only school that MIGHT take me is Duke: most of the others won't even consider me without hitting 650.
In short, unless I can find a roomate whom I can stand (and who can stand me)...I need to leave this area. My parents are suggesting that I go home (which will NOT happen)...most likely, I'll follow Adrian to Buffalo...work part-time at THAT Kaplan center (which is much better staffed than we are)...and study my tail off.
*sighs*
God, I don't want to have to move again. I like it here...I like my friends here. I like knowing my way around here. I like the farmer's market. I like having a tailor that I can rely on. I really, really don't want to have to build things up from scratch again.
That, and...the prospect of moving in with Adrian while our relationship is rather ambiguous...is confusing. We get along pretty well right now...mostly because we're NOT actually dating. Much as I miss him, I was looking forward to figuring myself out...apart from him.
That said, he's the only roomate that I ever got along with, outside of Blythe (I'm 2 for 10 among roomates).
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| How would you wear....babydoll dresses? |
[05 Aug 2007|06:23pm] |
I ended up buying two babydoll dresses:
one of this is this:
(same color, though since I'm considerably shorter...it will hit nearly at the knee).
The other is a babydoll similiar cut, but longer--just past knees, in silk rather than linen. It's also a light brown color, with a dark brown border/straps. (someone posted a picture of it here earlier this year...but I can't find it)
Any suggestions on what to wear with these? They were both dirt-cheap impulse buys. I don't normally wear babydoll tops...they make me look pregnant. The silk dress was an in-store buy, and it actually looked decent in the dressing room. The linen orange dress is from online...so I'm not sure how it will really fit.
Suggestions? I'm looking for casual outfit ideas.
I usually toss either a linen blazer, or a mini swing jacket on top of everything...but most of my dresses are fairly sleek...so I think the volume of the swing jacket will be overkill with these dresses.
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[31 Jul 2007|09:57pm] |
*curls up*
God, I need a vacation.
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[25 Jul 2007|04:37pm] |
*sighs* I know that something is wrong when a "break" now consists of working on my GRE lit notes...and a "really long break" consists of going over vocab words.
There simply isn't enough hours in the day. I get up around 9 am, teach from 10 until 1 pm...prep for LSAT between 1 and 5 pm...teach between 6 and 10 pm...study from 10 until 2 am...then crash, to start the cycle all over again.
I just logged in two weeks of working 60 hours a day...and really, that's probably underestimating the LSAT prep time. Next week will be worse, when the SAT class gets into full swing, and I have tutoring students again. For August, I have an additional 24 hours a week worth of tutoring students, on top of the classes...and I'm taking on a Thursday class--I'll be pushing 100 hours a week, rather than the 60 that's already taking its toll.
My gen GRE's are scheduled for August 17th. I HAVE to postpone it. I can't...can't study for it until the LSAT madness is over.
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| Poetry.... |
[20 Jul 2007|09:41pm] |
for all my bitterness, I really do love poetry.
Oh plunge your hands in water
plunge them up to the wrist
stare, stare in the basin
and wonder what you've missed...
Oh look, look in the mirror
Oh look in your distress
Life remains a blessing
Though you cannot bless
Oh stand, stand at the window
As the tears scald and start
You shall bless your crocked neighbor
With your crocked heart."
It's Auden.
I hated poetry. I was introduced to it as a senior in high school (late, I know). I was failing school not long ago, and rebounding slowly in what was traditionally my best subject: English. Though it had my forte since I was 8 years old, I was struggling even in my English classes.Perhaps it was simply the association...perhaps its my mind's recalitrant desire for logic and order, that struggled with the characteristic ambiguity of poetry. (years later, as a fledging would-be lit crit, I learned to appreciate the complex beauty of that ambiguity--but that would be years later, when I learned to stop looking for answers and to search exploring interpretations.
Auden, however, sandwiched between Freudian readings of Dostevsky and Freudian readings of Shakespeare, stuck my innured heart in a way that neither great writers could reach, at the time. I shrugged off the Freudian interpretation. (sex is interesting--but there are so many OTHER fascinating issues in literature).
Here's another one. I heard the words first on NPR...and googled the author/poem. I wasn't too surprised to find that Auden wrote this as well: it rings of his style:
Looking at the stars, I know quite well
That for all they care, I can go to hell
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from men or beast.
But how should we like it if stars were to burn
With a passion that we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be
Let the loving one be me"
*smiles* That last stanza, especially, seems fitting for a certain person...though NPR only quoted the unforgettable opening couplet.
( GRE updates )
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| on patience... |
[17 Jul 2007|03:25pm] |
I went to my bank a few days ago. It was in the middle of the post-work rush, and all three tellers were busy with customers while a long line was forming.
In the last teller, an elderly gentleman was chatting...just chatting...with the teller. She seemed pretty interested in the conversation...and they got into a long row about favorite restuarants in Florida.
Of course, the people in line--myself included--were feeling a bit antsy. After perhaps 10 minutes of this, as we're moving up in line (the other two tellers were pretty efficient), a man in front of me was first in line. He turned to me, said, "I'll be right back"...and went up to the teller/elder man...and said, "A bank is no place for conversation." He had a few other words...harsh, but not overly impolite.
The elderly man paused for a moment, obviously at a loss for words. The teller said, "Thank you, John"...and turned to serve the man who had interrupted.
John turned around, for half a second. He has a kind face. Reminded me of my grandfather...kind and quiet, though volube...and for that half second, he looked so, so lost. He shuffled his feet, turned around, and walked out. His speed...half walking, half-tripping along, told me that he was embarrassed.
I felt embarrassed as well. Like man in front of me, I was frustrated and upset at the long wait...and at his obliviousness to the line that's growing longer by the minute partly because of him. But when he turned around...and I saw the hurt in his eyes....it wasn't worth it. Being served 2 minute faster isn't worth hurting someone's feelings like that. I didn't say anything, while standing in line--I let someone else do my dirty work, but I was just as culpable.
*sighs*
Lesson learned.
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| literary tidbit |
[15 Jul 2007|04:21pm] |
Lord Byron, the famous romantic poet/writer...was supposed to be extremely handsome...but rather prone to corpulance. He would frequently go on diets ingesting nothing but soda water, biscuits, alongside "strong cathartics."
*grins*
He also had an incensuous relationship with his half-sister...and slept his way through Europe.
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| @#$%#@%@#$ |
[12 Jul 2007|12:45pm] |
GRE today.
The math section was first. I KNOW that I missed the first question (what is apparently a straight line looked like an angle on the screen)...I was pretty steady on perhaps 20 out of 28 questions...took decent shots at 3 mnore...and completely guessed, or utterly missed the last 5.
My score? An incomprehensiable 800. HOW? HOW??? It's not possible. Even if my mad guesses were all correct, I KNOW that I missed 3 questions. I went back and calculated them out afterwards, and I know that my answer wasn't the right one. HOOWWWW?
Verbal: I felt that I was doing extremely well. Out of 22 vocab questions, I knew 21 hands-down. Knew as in...I could literally recite the definition. I guessed (and missed) on one antonym...but that's not bad, right?
Out of the 8 reading comp questions, I was very confident on at least 4-5 answers...pretty sure about 2, and guessed (with maybe 50/50 odds) on the last one or two.
My score? An incomprehensible 650. Incomprehensible, and too low. 700 would be a safe score...650 should not exclude me from most programs, but I'm not applying to "most programs."
I'm waiting for the official scores to come in. there's a chance--a smidegon of a chance--that my actual score will be different from the gueestimate on the computer. (Adrian mentioned that that was the case for him). If I hit a 700 on verbal, I'll let it sit. Otherwise, I have to retake it.
It's of some consoliation that the average Verbal score for Duke from last year was a 673...but the average Berkeley scores is generally in the 700's.
So 700's it is.
*sighs* I'm not going to panic too much yet. I still have to ace my LIT GRE...I still have to get through the personal statement and the essay. And of course, I still have work. Over the next few weeks, I'm going to concentrate on finally finishing off the essay...touching up the personal statement...then AFTER my official scores come in, I will decide if I want to retake it.
Does anyone know if grad programs take the higher score, or an average of the two?
(the irony is that despite the 150 point difference, my "percentile" score is probably about the same; a 650 in verbal is somewhere in lower to mid-90th percentile, while an 800 in verbal won't break 95%).
Goodammit. I really, REALLY hope that my scores were just switched. Unfortunately, I have that screenshot imprinted in my memory: Verbal 650.....Quanititve 800
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| Math panic... |
[11 Jul 2007|04:06pm] |
Integars: (...-2, -1, 0. 1, 2...)
Natural numbers: (0, 1, 2....) NO NEGATIVES
postive: (1, 2, 3...) NO ZERO
even: (0, 2, 4) INCLUDES ZERO
Is that right?
God, permutations, combinations, and probablity are scaring me:
Combinations: pick 2 from a group of 10 =
10!/ [(10-2!)*2!]
Permutations: how many ways to order a group of 15 people?
=15!
how many ways to order a group of 4 from a group of 15 people?
15!/(15-4)!
Probability: Probability of option E OR F = P(E) + P (F) - P (EF)
Probability of picking EITHER a queen or spades from a deck of cards =
13/52 (shades) + 4/52 (queen) - 1/52 (the shade that is also a queen) = 16/52
Probability of E AND F = P (EF)
13/52 * 4/54 = (52/(52^2)) = 1/52
Urgh.
I know the concepts...I just struggle to see how and when to implement then on the tough problems.
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| I couldn't resist... |
[11 Jul 2007|03:33pm] |
I bought this from Estsy
It's a tiny black diamond tension-set in a titanium band.
Actually, I love almost all the rings in this seller's shop. I love wood pieces...and those are so intricate and refined.
I'm trying to see if he can make a version if this diamond-and-ebony-wood ring for me with a ruby instead (which I'll be providing), and a silver "backing" on the inside.
Blah. MUST put away the credit card. (though I figured that one splurge--to reward myself for studying my ass off for the GRE's--can't be too damaging).
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| Irony = .... |
[05 Jul 2007|04:00pm] |
The second half of my 20-page paper is all about the absent center (Derrida), the death of the author (Barthes), and post-structuralist fragmentation.
While the first part of the paper has an appreciable structure, the second part is mostly a semi-coherent rant that links a bit of semi-related ideas. (it's never a good sign when I can arrange my paragraphs in almost any order, and it makes as much--and as little--sense as before).
*sighs* Maybe I should just submit this to an MFA program as an example of how the form proves the argument...or something incoherent like that.
Irony, I tell you.
I've had 2 peaches and a few cups of coffee all day (it is now 4 pm), and my stomach is devouring me from the inside out. But I refuse to leave this place until this is written...or outline...or something. I refuse to stop until I get SOMETHING done.
There's no sense of moderation with me. I either procrastinate...or I work until I drop.
EDITED:
It's entirely possible (if not probably) that I just think this because I've read this damn paper so many times that I can practically recite it...but I might...I just MIGHT have a basic structural movement that MIGHT work. I read through it...took notes on the side (the kind of "reading comp" structural notes that I teach my students to use for their GRE's...so they get the gist of the author's argument). Looking back over the notes, the movement actually makes sense, though it's still complicated and a bit convoluted.
We'll see.
I'd appreciate a pair of fresh eyes on this, at some point. Adrian's been a gem in terms of challenging my arguments/ideas, and my beloved advisor tears this apart. Still...I'd like someone who doesn't have a WHOLE lot of background on the theories that I'm using here to take a look, to make sure that it can still be coherent.
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| Summer schedule |
[05 Jul 2007|08:22am] |
Blah...I have my classes settled into place. This is what my insane schedule looks like from mid-July until the end of September:
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday:
9am-2 pm: Teach and prep for SAT class
2-4 pm: prep for LSAT class
4-6 pm: tutor
6-11 pm: teach LSAT class (GRE class on Tuesday)
11 pm-2 am: study GRE's, work on papers
Thursday:
9-2 pm: teach and prep for SAT class
2-6 pm: study for GRE/papers
7-midnight: prep for LSAT (I need to work in about 24 hours of LSAT prep over the course of the week)
Fridays:
morning/afternoon: study GRE/papers
Evenings: FREE. (wow...I have a free day! sort of...)
Saturdays
8-10 am: Farmer's market, brunch
10-4 pm: prep LSAT
4-6 pm: tutoring student
6-11 pm: LSAT class
11-3 am: study GRE/papers
Sundays:
morning/afternoon: study GRE/papers (or additional LSAT prep)
Evenings: FREE!!!!!!
Urgh. I'll be running on 6 hours of sleep for 3 months...my study time is cut down rather drastically...AND I still have to wedge in about 10 hours of tutoring prep and prep time for the GRE and SAT class. I've taught those classe before, so I can "almost" teach it on the fly...but I feel really bad about not walking in perfectly prepared.
On the plus side, siince I am literally teaching/prep'ing 80 hours a week (and violating every overtime rule in the book), I should receive some fat paychecks.
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| I have a GRE headache |
[02 Jul 2007|03:41pm] |
I'm taking my GRE's a week from Thursday. I moved it up 3 days (from Saturday), so I can take off for a short weekend road trip. The day I get back, I start my 80-hour-workweeks...so I'll need some time to let off steam.
I'm nervous. Not TOO nervous, but still nervous. I will do just fine on the math as long as I don't make a stupid mistake. I won't score an 800, but as an English major, I really don't need to.
I'm hoping for a good score on the verbal as well. I need to top 650--it's the "cutoff" score for most programs...but I'm really gunning for a 700. I have our "pocket dictionary" memorized (though I'll need to review it before the test)...and as long as I take my time with the reading comp, I should do fine...hopefully break 700 or 750.
It's still the LIT GRE that haunts me. I'm spending about 4-8 hours a day studying for it, and I still don't think that I will be ready for the early October test.
Holy crap...I just looked at the GRE updates. Analysis is now up to 55% of the test. That's good news, I think, since it's not dependent on identication, though IDing the piece and author makes the analysis much easier. I should also ace the theory portion...
*****
My advisor is sending back the rest of my paper sometime this week. I need to have another go with the personal statement as well...and make a few rounds through JSTOR for research for both (thanks Lucinda!). I won't make my self-imposed deadline (of having the essay and the statement done before my general GRE's)...but hopefully, I can have GOOD drafts of both completed before the madness of my LSAT classes start (July 18).
Argh. I have a stomachache just thinking about it.
I'm going back into hiding.
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| study guides |
[29 Jun 2007|05:58pm] |
Last week, I started up what I should have been doing all along: I started making a study guide for myself, drawing mostly from the Norton Anthology...but also from Sparknotes.com (for book summaries).
It's made a huge difference so far. I'm still muddling my way through the Victorians...but I know the main works, the theories, and the distinctive styles of every writer that I've worked with so far. It's also a complete pain in the arse. At the rate I'm going, I'll have about 30 pages for each "period"...and there are 6 or 7 periods for the Brits alone...so perhaps 300 pages of notes by the time I'm done.
All thoroughout college, I made study guides...and frequently taught/tutored my peers using my own guides. The "secret" to it is really that the process fo making the guides--organizing, categlorizing, and picking out the most relevant information--is the most valuable part of the studying process. By the time I go back to review my own guides, I have the entire thing virtually memorized. It doesn't really matter how much knowledge I'm cramming in, or how comprehensive it is--if I turn it into a study guide, I will know it on the exam. I don't think that it has ever been THAT helpful for my peers...but the process of reviewing/teaching them is helpful for me, and they usually pick up enough knowledge to do well on the exams as well.
IF I do well on the Lit GRE...and IF I get into a program of my choice, I might toss up the guide/notes on some sort of website next year. There are virtually no good resources out there for the LIT GRE...I've muddled through this on my own. (though it's actually been good for me, to have to figure out for myself how to study for this). While the most industruous and self-motivated students (real: anal, over-achieving nerds) can organize some way of obtaining and retaining the vast sum of knowledge required for the test on their own...my guess is that most students are totally overwhelmed. My notes might not be THAT helpful--after all, it's tailored to fit with the way I think, rather than meant for a general guide...but it might provide for a starting place.
That said, I know that competition is already fierce, and I'm not about to help any of my anonymous competitors by posting my self made cheat-sheet BEFORE I have an acceptance letter firmly in my hand.
Just something to think about. I'm on page 10...out of 300 or so, so I have a long, LONG ways to go.
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| I eat enough to sustain a small orchard |
[23 Jun 2007|10:52pm] |
how in the world did I spend $50--literally 70% of my weekly grocery budget--at the farmer's market? And it's a "low" month as well. I normally buy...
-$5 peaches (2-3 lbs)
-$5 cherries (2-3 lbs)
-$5 smoked salmon (1 $10 package, twice a month)
-$7 peas (about 1 C, minus the pods--it's a expensive treat, but I love fresh peas w/ proscutto and balsm. vinegar)
-$5 berries (2-3 baskets)
-$6 heirloom tomatoes (2 lbs)
-$5 mushrooms/other vegetables
-$3 herbs and flowers
-$5 other fruit (figs, plums etc)
Seriously...$50?
The scary thing is that since Adrian barely touches any fruits or vegetables, I eat almost all of the above (minus the salmon). I go to the market on Saturday/Sunday...my fridge will be empty by Friday morning.
the remaining $30 (nowadays, more like $40-50) every week goes to meat ($5-$8), seafood ($10), proscitto and sausage ($4), cheese ($10), bread and baking ingredients ($5)...alongside whatever sauces/spices I happen to run out of. Plus some "chickenless" chicken nuggets and "porkless" ribs ($5), and the occasional ravioli and sauces ($5) to keep the boy happy.
Blah. Cooking for yourself actually isn't that much cheaper when you're a snobby, gourmet cook. To be fair, I am cooking for 1.5 people (I feed Adrian most days of the week), though it's the food that I insist on buying for myself that end up being so costly (he'd be happy with breadsticks and pasta--I insist on adding gourmet cheese, sausages, vegetables, and truffle olive oil to that pasta). And it still beats eating out. My own meals cost, on average, $10 a day...I can easily rack up twice that much for one meal when I eat out.
I also did find lychees (thank you a_bers!). They were at Lion's...and before anyone could stop me, I walked out with nearly 8 lbs worth. *sighs* Of course...halfway to the parking lot, I remember that they do not keep well and Lion's is literally within walking distance and on my way to Barefoot...so I can theoretically stop by 2-4 times a day.
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| Personal statement...and a lot of head-scratching |
[22 Jun 2007|11:50am] |
What exactly is the difference between a letter of intent and a personal statement?
Some schools seem to use them interchangably. Some require both. I've been browsing online examples of both, but I can't tell the difference (and those letters are generally not excellent to begin with). My best guess is that a letter of intent focuses on what I want to research, whereas the personal statement focuses on how I got there. Most of the personal statements I read for English seemed to talk far too much about how the student has loved literatures and lives in the library. (don't we all?). I suppose for me, that's a given. I want to talk about what I want to pursue...and perhaps briefly explain why my transcript shows an infusion of philosophy courses in my first 3 years. (we're going to kindly ignore my futive attempts as a history and classics major...and just stick to the degree that I actually recieved. Other essays spent a lot of time explaining the grades...I don't think I will need to do that. I have nothing in particular (no prestiguous awards, no published papers) to brag about either...it's just me, and my work.
*sighs*
Blah. Anyway, after 24 hours of almost non-stop hammering (not really writing, more like grinding my teeth), I came out with this version:
(ignore the spelling/grammar...I wasn't entirely coherent when I wrote this). I'd love any feedback, especially critical ones. I need to learn to gain a tough hide before graduate school, while still being humble enough to accept suggestions.
( you know you want to read it! )
Holy crap...that last sentence. It's everything I hated about John Locke...a sentence that goes on forever.
It's about 650 words, which might be too long for some schools...and I haven't even inserted the last part (where I tell each school EXACTLY why I want go to their program). It will probably need to be trimmed down...but right now, i'm just trying to get the genereal flow and structure.
2 drafts down, about 25 more to go.
***
It's slightly sad, and mostly funny that I procrastinate by spending far too much time helping my students. Isn't it amazing how everyone else's work is far more interesting than your own?
*edited* Compared to other personal statements that I've been reading, I really don't hype myself up very much. I don't see any point to saying, "I am an engaging, intellectual, and eager student" (I'm hoping that my recommenders will say that for me--I think it sounds a bit more authentic coming from THEIR pens than mine)...or brag about my grades or the classes that I've taken. Hopefully, my reviewers will read my transcript and that should speak for itself. Still...is the fact that everyone else seems to be doing it a sign that I should follow suite? Should I mention the graduate classes? Should I mentioned that I graduate a year late because I choose to take a graduate class with a top-notch professor over a french course that was required for graduation?
Blah. i hate writing about myself.
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| Yes you--the snoop! |
[22 Jun 2007|09:55am] |
Look Ma'am...
I know who you are.
I know that your daughter, stupidily, passed on my PRIVATE journal to you. She will be punished for that to the extend that I will cut her out of the community that she participates in, that I control...though the biggest punishments for her will come later in life, when she has to learn the hard way that there are disadvantages to being attached at the hip to her parents.
Now if you want to keep an eye on your 18-year-old daughter while she's at MIT (hmmm...this outflow of informaiton can go the other way too), that's perfectly fine. If you want to live in her dorm room and watch over her very step, that's perfectly fine as well.
But I am NOT your daughter, and I am NOT your responsibility. I am a grown woman with my own life, and you have no right to snoop on my activities or to pass on what little snippets of information that you have gleamed onto my own parents, at a time when they have enough to worry about already.
Go ahead....keep passing on information. Becuase it does absolutely NO good except to foment discontent and division within my family. Reading my journal--80% of which are not accessible to the public--does NOT reveal who I am or what I'm up to...it only teaches grown children to distrust their parents. I'm capable of governing my own life...I'd advise that you do the same.
So if you're going to pass on more "hot gossip" to my mother...tell her this:
I'm doing fine. I will not stop journaling, because this is an outlet that I sorely need right now. She needs to trust me--I've made the right choices so far, and I will continue to do so even if she disagrees with many of my decisions. I can and I will take care of myself, and I really do not need this close supervision. If she insists on prying into my private life, I will insist on being more secretive and keeping my distance from her. I am not ashamed of who I am, or what I do...but I do value my privacy and I will guard it fiercely.
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